Four Blind Mice

‘Tis sad, a man with perfect sight
Choosing to be blind to a friend’s plight
Endless times spent looking forward to nothing
That we forget to turn around
And watch the other’s back
When we choose not to see the sullenness
Behind a laughter so hollow
That Alice could fall through to wonderland
When we go deaf to the silent pleas for help
Instead setting our sights so far
That we fail to notice a door ajar
On our faces pretentious masks of concern
Completely oblivious to a soul ablaze
A hope so lost in despair
Until the last scene has played out
The curtain has fallen closed
And the cast has taken its bow
Not until it is too late do the masks fall off
Leaving in its wake guilt and shame
Horror and mortification at our own fallibility
And where there once was five, there is only four
And that permanent icy ghale

Contimuum Spat

I knew that life would move on without you
The wind still blows, but it plays to a different tune
The sun still shines, just not on me
Everyone’s happy laughter hangs in the air
But to me it’s a faint echo in the distance,
Silent whispers in the background
I look down at my watch and I don’t see the time
Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick...
Just the faint reminder that it doesn’t wait
That it doesn’t stop and it won’t go back to fix me
Yet somehow I still can’t move forward
I can’t take those baby steps
I can’t say those elusive words
I am stuck in a timeless phantasm
Where I can’t let you go, yet I do not hold on
So I’ll just stop trying because the harder I try
The harder it gets; and soon it might get out of hand
Spiral out of control even and consume me
I’ll simply accept that you took a part of me
And when you walked out you took it with you
So I’ll give you that and work on protecting what’s left.

Familiar Bossom

It took me a while but I finally realized that even to the closest of friends, the ones who promise to be there for you, you’re only useful when they have problems of their own. When they want someone to listen to them vent, to lend them a shoulder to soak their tears on. And as long as things are good for them, it doesn’t matter how fucked up things are for you, it’s always them you’re expected to worry about. If they’re celebrating, you should be, whether or not your life is in the dump. And when they’re down? Well, you better crawl right under that rock with them, your problems, bigger or smaller than theirs, must take a back seat.

My pessimistic half always took this as gospel. But like everyone else, I chose to sideline those as the ranting chants of a sociopathic lunatic. And like most others, I learned from experience. The ultimate cliché. We talk about it so many times and fall for it even more. But it seems like we’re all in a race to see who can learn from the most gruesome experience. And learn from experience I have.

At the end of the day, when all was said and done, when the tears stopped and I pulled myself together, I realised that the only one who was ever really there for me, the only one who cared enough to ask, to soothe, to comfort...was me. Because when I needed them most, when I needed help or just a little bit of reassurance, all I got was me. I won’t complain, I won’t cry or lay blame. Instead, I’ll breathe a sigh of relief because their absence in my darkest hour allowed me to reconcile with myself. I got to talk to me and see that I had my own back. It’s comforting to know that at my weakest point, at a time when I was expected to crumble beneath the weight of despair, my feet didn’t buckle. Sure, my confidence was shaken, my spirit dampened and my tears were on overdrive. But I pulled myself together, I sorted myself out and pulled a phoenix where I thought there was none. So I guess in a way I should tip my hat to self centeredness and egotism. But most of all, I’ll be proud, blow my own horn and say I’ll tip my hat to myself.

Black Cinderella

He called me his Black Cinderella
Not by virtue of course
But by vanity, vice and apathy
A cold calculating psychopath, he said
And his bidding I did
With a nonchalant disregard for mercy
And a total disgust for weakness
I failed to not disappoint

So now I sit in a dark and heavy silence,
With knees drawn to a heaving chest
I listen to the beat of my heart
A beat once so steady,
Now an erratic mess of uncertainty
An unsure futility and a vain discrepancy
Of the decorum it held and the hate it spewed
Mumbling in the way that only fear could
The doubtful prayer escapes my lips
Doubtful because if God listened to the heathen
Then a heathen I would cease to be

I tremble, not with fear, but something far worse
A mind at war and a heart in turmoil
A ravaging confusion of right and wrong
Trying to reconcile knowledge with faith
With a soul tainted for eternity
My bare hands drowned in blood
A mother’s son’s blood
A husband’s wife, a family man

They tell me I signed up for the war
And I say there was no war
Just personal favours
For the men in power
To keep the status quo
Survival for the fittest
A species that in the quest for evolution
Has learnt to destroy the very essence
That separated us from the beasts
Not that my ignorance then
Will atone for my fallen brethren

So when I put down my guard
Drop my defences and try to mend the fences
I take off the stained regalia
In jaded resignation and adulterated contrition
I can only surmise that I will suffer my nightmares
Pay my dues to the agitated blood in the soil
And hope that at the end of this all
This Black Cinderella
Will find her glass slipper

Withered Love

It was fun while it lasted, fast and intense
Yet slow and beautiful all at the same time
But you made me no promises and I asked for none
So when the time came, I was disappointed but not surprised
I was not surprised
Because you were gone long before you walked out
That much I had seen coming in the days before
And like a fool I chose to ignore what lay before my eyes
I chose not to fight,
Not because I did not deem you worth my strength
I chose not to because I love you
It sounds ironic, I know
But I opted to let you go as you came
Of your own free will...
So instead I will cry silently and quietly
For a love that could have been so much more
For a heart that was given ever so delicately
And broken by the one it was entrusted to
I will pick up the pieces and start anew
But like the finest Chinese porcelain,
I know the cracks will remain for all to see
So I will not pretend to hate you, nor will I even try
There will always be a place for you in my heart
But that will not stop me from moving on
Because I know in time I will find another
Who will fill the emptiness left in me
And I will smile with satisfaction once more
I will feel what I felt for you
And then some